Rascals
by Vampiyaa
Summary: Another adventure goes awry and Rose finds herself in a motherly position when the Doctor and Jack get turned into toddlers. Crack!fic.


**Beta: Miral-Romanov**

* * *

Rascals

_Don't touch the pretty-looking water_, he'd said. Rose was half-arsed to call him a hypocrite.

They'd been trolling about the planet Soap— which, besides its redundant name, was an otherwise lovely planet, with gnarled violet trees, glowing blue mushrooms and little sentient wisps of light that on more than one occasion tried their very hardest to float into her nose. When Rose had asked why they'd come here, to a planet named 'Soap' of all things, the Doctor had cheerfully replied that they were here because the planet was famous for being uninhabited save for mysterious fauna and honest-to-goodness chocolate trees. To which Jack had sarcastically replied, "Then why not just name it Chocolate?" Rose thought that was an excellent point.

It was only an hour into their exploration of the beautiful, misnamed planet that the team discovered a shallow pool of water. It would have been unremarkable, except that the little nose-addicted wisps were floating over the surface and actually waltzing with each other — or would have been, if they had arms — and the water itself was crystal clear, glowing pale white and completely still, like it was actually soft fabric instead of water. It was gorgeous, like something out of a fairytale or a fantasy video game (she'd gotten an odd look from the Doctor when she'd voiced that last comment) and upon reaching forward to touch it to see if it was as soft as it looked, she'd nearly had her arm torn off by the Doctor, who gave her a stern look and told her as he always did in his I'm-so-superior Northern accent, "Don't touch it."

Then he'd turned around and trudged up to the fountain to sonic it, only to slip spectacularly on a patch of damp moss and fall headfirst into the water. It churned like it'd been hit with a hurricane instead of a moderately sized bloke, and despite it being clear earlier Rose couldn't see a glimpse of the Doctor through it. As Jack snorted with amusement, Rose put her hand on her hip and exasperatedly waited for him to emerge, already thinking up clever, teasing comments to make when he had to walk back to the TARDIS soaking wet.

He didn't emerge.

As Rose called out his name, her posture no longer condescending, Jack stripped off his jacket and dove in headfirst into the now still water, making it churn again. Rose fidgeted by the edge of the pool, craning her neck as though that would help see through the now opaque water and furiously batting away yet another wisp that tried to discreetly drift towards her nose. When another full minute passed and Jack didn't emerge either, Rose swore colourfully at the gently lapping water before planting her knees firmly on either side of the pool and sticking her arms in. Her hand didn't scrape the bottom, which was odd, but thankfully her fingers did brush what felt like Jack's hair and what was definitely a leather jacket. Fisting her hands around both and hoping Jack forgave her for the massive headache he'd no doubt have afterward, Rose pulled them to the surface with a grunt.

What emerged was definitely not what she expected.

At first it just looked like two piles of clothing, but then a small whimper came from underneath Jack's shirt and Rose crawled over to it, only to shout out in alarm and stumble backward. Instead of Jack, there was a child in there, about four or five years old, brown hair plastered to his head and lower lip trembling. His blue-grey eyes swivelled to Rose at once, and he let out another whimper and held out his arms as though wanting to be held.

"What the hell— heck," Rose corrected herself at once, frowning down at the little boy.

The Doctor's pile of clothes moved at once, and another little boy's head poked out from the leather jacket. This one was definitely older, apparently six or seven years old, and had a scowl on his face instead of a screwed-up look of devastation, as the other one was now wearing since Rose wasn't picking him up.

"It's cold," the second kid complained at once, looking thoroughly irritated.

Rose simply gaped at him. His ears stuck out in the same way as the Doctor's had, his hair was just as bristly although slightly longer and his eyes were the same deep blue— and, to top it all off, he had a petulant Northern accent. Could this be the Doctor? Rose immediately glanced to the child in Jack's shirt, who was now looking dangerously near tears, and to keep him from crying Rose hurriedly scooped him into her lap despite the situation, keeping him curled up in the shirt. Did that mean that the whimpering child she was holding was notorious flirt Jack Harkness?

"What's the matter, lady, you stupid or somethin'?" sneered the second kid, and Rose glared daggers at him.

"It's Rose, not 'lady'— watch your mouth, Mister," she snapped at once, only to feel a bit disgruntled at herself when she realised how much she sounded like her mother. She tried again, a bit more kindly, "What's your name?"

"'M not tellin' you my name," he said, sticking his — yes, slightly large — nose in the air with smugness. "S'only for the woman I marry." When Rose frowned at him, he said, "_You _can call me Theta Sigma. All my friends do. Not that you're my friend," he added quickly, earning him another glare.

"Thanks a lot, kid," Rose muttered, before turning to the shivering little boy in her arms and saying in a much gentler voice, "An' what's your name?"

"Jack," he sniffled, before burying his nose into her jumper.

"Holy shi— shite," Rose corrected herself again, finishing the word she really wanted to say in her mind.

The kid in her arms, most likely getting bogies all over her jumper, was really Jack Harkness. Which meant the sneering little brat drowning in the leather jacket and jeans was actually the Doctor. Why he'd called himself Theta Sigma was beyond her— why neither of them remembered who she was also confused her.

"We just found the effing Fountain of Youth," Rose snapped to herself, before glaring daggers at 'Theta Sigma'. "And _you _just had to fall in."

"It's cold," he repeated on a whiny tone, apparently oblivious to her accusation.

"That's what you get for tryin' to take a swim in the bloody Fountain of Youth," Rose muttered, but obediently approached him. She stripped the jacket off of him and then proceeded to roll up the sleeves of his jumper and his pants legs, and before he could make yet another snarky comment that no six-or-seven-year-old should be making, Rose said, "We're going back to the TARDIS."

"Will it be warm there?" he asked, and for the first time his tone wasn't completely laced with sarcasm.

"Yes," Rose said.

Standing up and hitching Jack up so that he was resting properly on her hip, Rose outstretched her hand towards the Doc— er, Theta Sigma, who immediately turned up his nose at it. "I don't need to hold your hand!"

Knowing full well that the 4 foot-tall kid wearing overly large, soaking wet clothing wouldn't possibly be able to manoeuvre through the bush without some kind of help, Rose said with mock defeat, "All right then," and immediately trudged in the direction of the TARDIS, batting away another 'innocent' wisp and hitching Jack up.

Five minutes later, Theta Sigma was grudgingly holding her hand as they clambered over fallen trees. Jack had fallen asleep in the first minute, drooling on her neck, and despite Theta Sigma's incessant whining about everything Rose tuned them both out, worrying so much she was almost hyperventilating. How the _hell _was she supposed to change them back into adults? Maybe there was a Fountain of Age somewhere on the stupid planet Soap, Rose thought gloomily.

"I'm hungry," Theta said loudly.

Rose shot him an annoyed glare, both for his endless complaining and because he almost woke Jack, and the last thing she needed on top of everything was Jack crying. "Fine, when we get back to the TARDIS I'll make you something."

"I want—" he stated at once.

"Bananas, right?" Rose interrupted.

Theta actually looked alarmed, before demanding, "How'd you know that?"

"I've got magic powers," Rose said sarcastically, but Theta looked slightly in awe, making her grin despite the situation.

Thankfully the walk back to the TARDIS was a lot shorter than before— they'd stopped numerous times on their way to the pool thing, once because the Doctor fell in a ditch, another time because one of the wisps managed to get up Jack's nose, which was why it had taken them an hour. Rose stepped gratefully into the TARDIS, letting her hum wash over her like a soothing blanket. Her peace shattered the second Theta shouted, "WOW, THIS PLACE IS HUGE!", startling Jack awake and making him cry. The TARDIS let out another indecipherable hum — disapproval? Confusion? Exasperation? — and Rose mumbled her agreement, head already pounding.

* * *

Two hours later, Theta had been fed a banana and a granola bar, both of them had been changed (Rose could have kissed the TARDIS when she walked into the Doctor's room and discovered a hamper full of children's clothing) and, perhaps the best thing of all, both were asleep. Jack had dropped off in a second, but Theta spent a full half hour whinging about how he didn't need to take a nap, nor did he need a 'stupid kid bed' that the TARDIS had provided, and that the big adult bed would be just fine for him, before he promptly sank into the 'big adult bed' and started to snore despite his first protest.

Rose closed the door behind her as quietly as possibly before sinking onto her bum in the hallway, pressing her forehead against the wall. It was official— she was never having kids. Jack was all right but Theta had the Doctor's know-it-all attitude all wrapped up into the mind of a bratty little child. As much as she admittedly loved him, Rose had always been close to clocking the Doctor some days, but if Theta didn't learn to keep his mouth shut soon he was going to find himself locked in a cupboard with nothing but a banana for company while Rose figured out how to change him back to an adult.

When the TARDIS hummed soothingly at her, Rose smiled weakly at the ceiling and murmured a quick, "Thanks, old girl," before heaving herself up off the ground and walking into the galley. Rose fixed herself a cuppa and downed two paracetamol to bring her headache at bay before heading straight for the library.

Setting the cup down on the table in front of the couch, Rose combed through the shelves looking for something about fountains of youth, or anything about pools of water that turned grown men into toddlers. She found nothing, although she did get hopeful when she found a book about the planet Soap, and while it did explain why the planet was called that (ironically it was an alien word that was pronounced and spelled exactly like the English word, except it meant 'jungle', which also made no sense since they'd been in a forest, not a jungle) it had no mention of a magical pond.

Rose, undeterred, spent the next couple of hours poring through various other books about anything that even remotely related to the situation, up until she felt a presence in the doorway, which was immediately followed by Theta's abrupt voice saying, "I'm hungry."

Sighing irritably and shutting the book with a snap, she turned to him. "You're supposed to be sleepin'."

"Don't need to take a nap," Theta sneered.

"Funny, didn't seem to think that when you fell asleep a couple o' hours ago," Rose pointed out, evilly delighting in his crimson flush.

"I'm hungry," he repeated instead, colour leaving his face. "Make me food."

"Say please," Rose said shortly.

"No."

"Well then, no food for you."

Rose stood up primly, brushing past him as she walked out into the hall and feeling particularly triumphant when Theta ran after her, yelling, "All right, please!"

"Say it nicely," Rose told him, biting back a smirk when he scowled up at her, looking for all the world like he really wanted to send her out an airlock.

"No," he grumbled.

This time Rose didn't say anything, simply turning into the Doctor's bedroom, where Jack was still sleeping with his jimjam shirt hitched up and his mouth open, drooling over the pillow. As Theta pouted in the doorway, Rose gently shook Jack awake. He opened his eyes at once, rubbing at them with balled-up fists before outstretching his arms for her to pick him up again. When she did obediently, pulling down his shirt and smiling a bit when he wove his arms around her neck, she heard Theta's voice in the doorway, sounding very tiny and a little bit upset as he watched her mother the other boy, "Can I have something to eat, please?" When she didn't answer at first, too busy grinning like a loon at Jack's pillow, Theta said hopefully, "Rose?"

She turned to him, smiling. "All right."

This time it was he who took her hand as they made their way to the galley.

Rose placed Jack in the toddler chair the TARDIS provided, while Theta plopped himself into a regular chair and taunted Jack about how he didn't have to sit in a 'baby chair' until Rose snapped at him to knock it off. Since she couldn't cook an elaborate meal to save her life, Rose rummaged around the freezer until she found a suspiciously placed box of chicken nuggets, and after thanking the TARDIS profusely, popped them in the oven. Remembering the meals her mother used to make her, Rose also set out some baby carrots and gave each of them a glass of milk. She stupidly gave Jack a glass as well, which he slopped all over himself and the floor in less than three seconds, so she had to go back to the Doctor's bedroom and change Jack into fresh jimjams before returning to find Theta sitting in the puddle of milk, splashing around in it. Rose knew for a fact he was old enough to know not to do that and suspected he'd done it just to irk her, so when the chicken nuggets were done she gave him four instead of five, which he scowled about for the next hour and a half.

Once they were fed, Rose brought them back to the bedroom to get ready for bed. After wrestling with Theta to get him to brush his teeth and spending a spare ten minutes cleaning toothpaste off the mirror (Jack had miscalculated the amount of pressure it would take to get the paste onto his toothbrush) she stepped out to get her own jimjams on, only to return and find both Theta and Jack jumping up and down on the Doctor's bed, both of them screeching with delight despite occasionally elbowing the other by accident.

"Down, now," Rose ordered; Theta stuck out his tongue at her, but Jack plopped onto his rear at once and slithered off the bed, giving her a big toothy grin that she just had to return.

"Come get in the bed too, Rosie!" he said gleefully, his first actual sentence.

Rose snorted— even as a four-year-old he still made ridiculously suggestive comments. "I think it'd be better if _you—_" she scooped up a delighted, giggling Jack and plopped him onto his toddler bed, "went in your own bed. Theta, stop jumping right now," she added sharply, and he too flopped onto his bum with a manic giggle.

"Tell us a story, Rosie," Jack said earnestly as he wriggled himself underneath the covers.

"Once upon a time, the end," Rose said sarcastically, but Jack and Theta but erupted into laughter at once, Theta even snorting.

"A _real _story!" Jack protested earnestly despite the gigantic grin on his face.

"Tomorrow night— s'late now." It was a clear excuse — Rose had no bloody idea how to tell a bedtime story, never mind that she didn't know any — and even though Jack let out a whiny noise and kicked his legs so hard he nearly tossed himself off the bed, Rose pretended not to notice and headed towards the doorway. "Goodnight. Go to sleep."

"Kiss me goodnight, Rosie?" asked Jack, and Rose immediately rolled her eyes even though the comment was in all likelihood innocent.

She plopped an abrupt kiss on Jack's forehead, which he giggled hysterically at and burrowed himself underneath the covers. Rose smirked, turning towards Theta, who was watching a bit grumpily. "Want one too?"

"_No way_," he snarled at once, hiding his head underneath the utilitarian blue duvet, and Rose smirked at him before switching the light off and closing the door.

* * *

Rose had gone to bed about an hour later (eight p.m. may be late for children, but it was nowhere near that classification for Rose) after flipping through some more books for any clue how to turn her two best friends back into adults. Setting her alarm for eight the next morning very grudgingly (Jack and the Doctor had better be grateful once they were back to normal) she flopped onto her covers and was out in two minutes. It felt like seconds later when she was being jolted awake by a frightened little voice whispering by her ear, "Rose?"

"Hmmrgl," she replied on a groan, rolling over and blinking in the darkness, only to have Theta's tearstained face loom into view. She frowned at him, sitting up. "S'matter?" When he didn't answer, merely letting out a tiny hiccough and a sniffle, she guessed, "Bad dream?" The Doctor wandering into her bedroom after a nightmare had been more than common, more often than not ending in a delightful night of spooning and leaving her with a not-so-delightful problem.

Theta nodded, looking ashamed of himself even as Rose smiled at him gently. "C'n I sleep in here?"

"'Course you can, sweetheart," Rose said.

She scooted over to make room as he made a great deal of effort to hoist himself onto her bed, but it was redundant, since after burrowing himself under the covers he tossed a leg over her stomach and draped himself over her chest, face in her neck. Her breath hitched a bit at the action, and she found herself missing the Doctor terribly in that moment. Pushing that aside, Rose pulled the covers over herself and Theta more securely, starting to hum gently as he let out another sniffle. She hummed nonsense at first before lapsing into various songs off the top of her head, ranging from 'Oh Holy Night' all the way to an old English folk song her granddad Prentice used to play on an old record player, long enough for Theta to drop back off into sleep. Once she was absolutely certain he was asleep, she stopped humming and let herself drift off too.

* * *

The next morning was as eventful as the previous day had been, though it certainly wasn't as hectic or as stressful. After spending the night in her bed, Theta's attitude had improved a little; he was still a little grumpy git and always would be, since he was the Doctor but in a significantly shorter body (his ears hadn't changed though). Rose woke up before the alarm went off, only because Theta had clambered off of her at some point in the morning and disappeared, only to reappear with a mug full of orange juice and wake her up to proudly present it. He'd slopped half of it over himself, the floor and her covers, and she spent a good ten minutes cleaning up the trail of juice from the galley to her room, but she was grateful nonetheless.

She had no idea what to do with them for the entirety of the day, since she'd be devoting her time to research, so she let them troll around the library as she read. The TARDIS had generously supplied a playpen full of toys for Jack and a toy train set for Theta to tinker with, which he did gleefully, and Rose was able to search a couple more books in moderate peace, although her search turned up nothing. The TARDIS also made herself into something of an alarm, reminding Rose to look up from her book to either feed them or let them loose to use the loo.

Five days of finding nothing had Rose set into a routine— wake up, feed Jack and Theta, research, lunch, more research, dinner and then bed, snacks in between if Theta complained loudly enough. The second night, Theta obediently went to sleep in his own bed but crawled into hers not five minutes after she left their room, wriggling on top of her without invitation, not that she minded. Eventually he just followed her to her room, waiting patiently on her bed as she changed and used the loo before snuggling up to her like she was his mother (she sincerely hoped this thought only extended to the child version of the Doctor, since she constantly wanted to jump his bones, and it'd be a bit of a turn-off to discover he only thought of her as his mother) and Rose sang him to sleep each time.

Jack was proving to still be Jack. He asked to be picked up multiple times, but only when Theta was in the room, and each time Rose obeyed she caught a glimpse of him sticking out his tongue at Theta, who looked ready to clock him (and usually did). Jack had also run in behind her when she was walking and smacked her arse before running away, giggling like a madman, on more than one occasion. She punished him each time, but it was like telling off the adult version of Jack— it went in one ear and out the other. Despite all of his innuendo he was still a child, and still wanted Rose to mother him constantly. It was official— when all this was over, she was never letting him hear the end of it.

Theta's attitude, meanwhile, improved every day; he no longer challenged her authority, although he never did stop teasing Jack until he succumbed into tears. One afternoon after Rose had agreed to let him explore a bit of the TARDIS, he'd returned to the library, blushing crimson and grudgingly presenting to her a kind of tulip/orchid hybrid he'd picked from one of the gardens. It was adorable, but it was still technically the Doctor who now had a boy crush on her, so she'd blushed crimson as well. Whenever Jack asked to be picked up, he asked too; whenever she sat on the couch, he snuggled with her unless some toy caught his attention; if she made dinner for him he'd try his hardest to help, which usually meant banging spoons against cupboards or filling a glass of water and emptying it multiple times.

On the sixth day, late into the evening, Rose had gone through the last of the books that could possibly hold what she was looking for and found nothing. Jack and Theta were currently fighting over the toy train set, and when Rose shut the final book with a snap she turned to them and said sharply, "Stop fighting."

"It's my turn with it!" Jack complained, giving it another yank.

"S'not yours, stupid," Theta snarled, pulling back.

Rose snatched it from them at once, dropping it into the box of toys and picking up a now scrunched-face, wailing Jack. "Now neither of you has it. S'bed time."

"But Rooose," Theta whined, and wasn't that familiar.

"Don't whine," Rose said, outstretching her hand. "Now c'mere, Mister. Bed."

He stuck out his jaw in an obvious pout but stalked forward anyway, forsaking her hand and holding up his arms to be picked up too. Rose huffed out in exasperation, leaning down slightly so that Theta could clamber up as well, and Theta gave Jack a brief pinch, making him yelp, before burying his face in her neck. Rose carried them to the Doctor's bedroom, where they proudly demonstrated how they could put their jimjams on and brush their teeth all by themselves, before Rose tucked Jack into his bed and carried a sleepy Theta to her own room.

Theta dropped off in seconds to her hummed rendition of 'Omberg', and Rose spent the next hour trying to fall asleep as well and failing. There just _had _to be something somewhere in the TARDIS about that pool thing— the Doctor had known some things about the planet, so there had to be a record somewhere about the pool. It didn't just spontaneously come into existence in the same second they landed on the planet. Maybe the TARDIS's data files held better luck.

She sat up, carefully setting the snoring Theta down onto the bed and tucking her blanket around him before tiptoeing out of the room and heading down the corridor into the console room. Flicking the monitor on, Rose placed her hands on the edges of the console and said, "Could you bring up anything on the planet, girl?"

The TARDIS obediently brought up a handful of files about the planet Soap, and Rose scrolled through them, but it was the same useless information she'd found in the books from the library. Rose gripped the console tightly, huffing out her exasperation and pressing one hand to her face, trying to stave off tears of frustration.

"Come on, old girl," Rose pleaded. "Give me something. I want my friends back. I want…" She bit her lip, blushing. "I want my _Doctor_ back."

The TARDIS hummed at her in a way she couldn't decipher, and the texts vanished from the screen and were replaced with a single text, which Rose threw herself at.

_There have been reports of anomalies similar to the recurring myth of a 'fountain of youth', where an individual would submerge his or herself within the pool only to emerge in varying states of youth depending on the amount of time the individual stayed submerged. These so-called 'fountains', which vary from bodies of water to portal-like abnormalities either space dwelling or planetary, are universally closed off to outsiders, claimed in multiple ways as holy or unholy, dangerous or too bountiful for mortals._

"So we shouldn't have been snoopin' in the first place," Rose muttered, mentally cursing the Doctor for being a nosy git.

_The effects of the anomalies, while unexplained in all mentioned texts, wear off after certain periods of time depending on the amount of time the individual stayed submerged, usually while in REM sleep._

Rose sighed with relief so loudly it echoed through the console, and she stumbled away from the monitor and sank down onto the jump seat. So all she had to do was baby her friends for a bit longer until they fell asleep and woke up as adults. She snorted to herself; it was almost corny, like an expression her mother would use, about how children grew up in the blink of an eye.

"WHAT THE HELL?!" roared a very adult, very alarmed male voice from the corridor, making Rose jump and almost fall off the jump seat.

She hurled herself out of the console room, only to squeal and slam her hands over her eyes when a bedraggled-looking, fully grown Jack Harkness stumbled into the corridor, still wearing the toddler clothes; his shirt was torn at the sides and sleeves and only covered his upper chest, and his trousers were literally non-existent.

"What the hell happened?" Jack gasped, apparently oblivious to Rose's now uncontrollable giggling.

"I'll tell you later," Rose snorted. "For now, just put on some bloody clothes!"

As Jack waddled awkwardly back into the Doctor's bedroom, Rose lowered her hands from her eyes only to be startled yet again when the Doctor fell through her bedroom door, thankfully having already changed into his regular clothes save for his leather jacket. Zeroing in on her, he beamed at her jovially and blurted out, "The pool was in a state of temporal flux!"

He was so bloody _stupid _she almost stomped her foot; there he was, all grown up and daft-looking and seeming almost naked without his jacket, and after all of this she just wanted to have a good cry while he hugged her, and all he does is burst out of her room and talk about the _effing _pool. Lower lip trembling, Rose threw herself towards the Doctor, who immediately hopped off the floor and weaved his arms around her the minute she tossed herself into his hold, clinging onto his neck for dear life like he had for the past six days.

The Doctor hummed in delight, holding her tightly and burying his nose in her hair before saying, "Didn't even have to sonic it; felt the second I fell in. 'Course nobody who's actually found it knew that, 'cos the only ones who've found it have been the wonky religious/magical type, but that's what it was, Rose Tyler! It was backward-time."

"Shut up, you stupid alien git," Rose half-laughed, half-sobbed.

"Sorry," he grinned goofily, pulling away and smoothing back her hair. God, she'd missed that daft old face. "Are you all right?"

She opened her mouth to reply, but Jack emerged from the Doctor's bedroom, thankfully no longer partially naked, and said from behind them, "Aw, we're having a moment? Can I join?"

Her face burst into a gigantic grin, and despite the situation she turned away from the Doctor and giggled, "Yes, Jack," before giving him a hug as well.

* * *

"So we fell into the Fountain of Youth, came out as babies, and you had to be a mom?" Jack recounted, swirling his glass and taking a long sip.

"In essence," Rose shrugged.

It was a couple of hours later, and the team had gathered in the library (which was now devoid of toys and playpens) to hear Rose's story about what happened. The Doctor was sitting on the couch with his arm hanging over the back of the couch and Rose was snuggled into his side, cradling a warm cuppa and breathing in the scent of his jacket. Jack was in his usual armchair by the fire, since the Doctor had made it quite clear a long time ago that he wasn't welcome on the couch with him and Rose.

"What I don't get is how I don't remember anything, but Mr. Superior over there remembers the whole thing," Jack complained, getting a smug grin from the Doctor over Rose's head.

"My big Time Lord brain lets me access those memories," the Doctor said, losing his smug grin a split second and giving Rose a glance she didn't see. "You're lucky actually, Harkness— wish I didn't remember some things."

"You mean like the time you got a train piece stuck up your nose, or the time you got too scared to go into the big scary loo by yourself and had to make me stand outside the door?" Rose grinned, tongue between her teeth. Jack doubled over laughing, up until Rose added, barely able to keep from laughing herself, "Don't laugh— you did some pretty interesting things as well. Besides the fact that you wet the bed like, twice, did I mention you told me your _real name_?"

Jack paused mid-laugh, looking horrified. "Oh no."

"Oh yes," said Rose with an evil grin.

"What is it?" the Doctor asked excitedly.

"Rose, don't," Jack said sharply, but Rose was already announcing happily, "_Jack Hamilton Bartholomew_!"

As she and the Doctor started to roar with laughter, Jack sank into his seat, covering his flaming face in his hands. "Damn you, Rosie."

"Hamilton," the Doctor sniggered, as Rose clutched at his arm and struggled to breathe. "Sounds like something you'd name a pig."

Rose snorted and supplied, "Think my mum had a fish once named Bartholomew."

"All right, that's enough," grumbled Jack.

Giggling, Rose set her empty cuppa down on the table and wiped at her eyes before standing. "All right then, _Jack Hamilton Bartholomew_, I'm going to bed— completely knackered from takin' care o' you idiots."

"Night Rosie," said Jack, glaring at the still snickering Doctor as Rose headed out into the corridor, grinning and hugging herself happily at the prospect of having her friends back.

She entered her bedroom, looking at the bed and feeling the slightest of pangs that she wouldn't be sharing it with a tiny Theta anymore. Rose changed into her jimjams and used the loo before padding out into her bedroom, stunned to find the Doctor sitting on the edge of her bed, wearing a slightly nervous smile.

"Hello," he said softly.

Rose returned his smile. "Hello." She strode over to the bed, sinking down next to him and allowing him to reach over and clasp their hands together. "What's up?"

"Just wanted to thank you, for puttin' up with little me," the Doctor said, scrunching up his nose. "Was a bit of a nuisance, me."

Rose scoffed. "You were a little snot, actually. But you're welcome anyway." He hummed, scooting a little closer to her. "I just have one question, though."

"Hm?"

"Why 'Theta Sigma'?"

"Ah." The Doctor shifted a bit. "It was my old nickname from the Academy. Since we couldn't go around tellin' everyone our real names, we'd all choose a nickname for ourselves. Mine was Theta Sigma."

"You said that, actually, when I asked you your name," Rose said contemplatively. "That you could only say it if you were marryin' someone."

"Old Time Lord custom," he said vaguely. "Was surprised little me even remembered it."

"Yeah, you seemed more concerned with pickin' fights with Jack and givin' me flowers," Rose teased, and he let out a shy chuckle, ears tingeing pink. She let out a loud yawn, covering her mouth with her hand. "Blimey, 'm knackered."

"Oh… I'll just, er, leave then, yeah?" the Doctor said awkwardly, jumping off the bed at once but making no move towards the door.

She paused, warmth bubbling in her chest. "You could… dunno, stay. If-if you want."

His face crashed into the gentlest smile Rose had ever seen — dare she call it 'loving?' — before approaching the bed again. She clambered under the covers and scooted over to make room, watching him untie his boots and shrug off his jacket before settling down underneath the covers with her and curling his body against hers with a content sigh. She started to hum by default, prompting another sigh from him and a quiet, "Night Rose."

She paused her humming long enough to whisper, "Night, Doctor."

* * *

**A/N: Title stolen, shamelessly, from that awesome episode of Star Trek: Next Gen with a similar plotline :) Jack's name, however? Well, that's all me ;) Prompted by craictropical on tumblr: "in some way or another, the Doctor and Jack are turned into toddlers, with a dependency on Rose, who is her normal age. It's up to her to change them back, while taking care of them all the while."**


End file.
